It’s no secret that finding the right man to spend your life with can be a challenge. While most women are currently using dating sites/or used one in the past some of us would rather find love the traditional way. Regardless of which method you choose it can be difficult getting back into the dating game.
Modern dating has changed. According to an article, I read, today’s men have higher expectations from dating than ever before and are not afraid to be demanding with their search for love. Last weekend, I was invited to a dinner party by one of my married friends, Tammy and Greg. They rang and said they had the perfect guy for me. However, when I got to their place, a tall guy walked past me and shot a very sexy look at my top. While my friends thought Alan (the short tech nerd) was a better fit they couldn’t have known that I had met him last summer at a wine tasting event. As I was browsing through the aisles, working from light wines to heavier, he walked up and asked if I preferred sparkling wines to fresh whites? I found him interesting and waited patiently for him to ask for my number but ended up bolting off once his friends arrived. Tonight, was a different story. While I milled around talking to the other guest, Alan kept buzzing around, asking to refill my champagne glass every ten minutes. When I got home, I had a message on my machine from Tammy who took it as a personal insult that I chose tall, attractive finance guy, over blind date.
I think meeting people should feel natural. You want to be in a situation that allows for the conversation to be organic and interesting, which brings me to Ryan, the successful talent agent I met while I was on business in New York. He wasn’t much of a looker and I wasn’t instantly attracted to him, but I was willing to give him a chance. After my last breakup, I waited a month to start dating again. This time it wasn’t about finding someone attractive, with a great career, and family values. I was looking for someone that made me feel loved and wanted to make me happy.
That evening we met for coffee and I learned that a) he wanted to take me back to his place to show off $8,000 apartment, b) extremely insecure, c) against dining out due to strict diet. At which point I looked down at his plump waistline and thinning hair and thought surely he wasn’t this self-centered.
My mom, who has been my go-to for advice on one or two occasions, once said: “The perfect guy does not exist, but you can find someone that is tolerable. There’s always going to be something about a man you don’t like. It’s just a question of finding the man you can tolerate.” I thought wistfully of how low my odds were of finding someone to live up to all my expectations and despite the red-flags handed Ryan my business card.
Our first phone conversation was a complete disaster. I couldn’t believe it. He’s been talking about his mother for an hour and somewhat bizarrely started up about all the models he had dated that year. Then went on about wanting someone who wasn’t after his money. His casual nature about the topic caused me to think about why some men felt the need to boast about dating models. It’s as if they’re trying to say, “hey I dated someone hotter than you” and you stupidly start to compare yourself to the other woman.
If he’s just boasting about some hot girl he dated, run, he’s not looking for a meaningful relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, I get that it’s natural for people to reveal more about their relationships, as they grow more intimate but if he’s just boasting about some random girl he dated, run, he’s not looking for a meaningful connection. At that point, I found myself instantly putting Ryan in the friend zone and was about to end the conversation with some excuse about needing to take another call when he asked if I would fly down to New York for the weekend to meet him. Intrigued, I asked if he would be paying for the flight ticket? He said yes.
Ok. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone along with it but I was curious to see where this was going. Ryan was: self-absorbed, toxic, and afraid of commitment. He had a pattern of blowing women off and blaming them for their reactions. So I wasn’t surprised when he called back the next day and said he’d only pay for the tickets if I agreed to stay at his place. He made the point of telling me that his sister thought I should pay for the trip. I was quite agitated by his response and told him to date his sister and hung up the phone.
After our conversation, I realized that the dating world is brutal and wouldn’t mind being married and having one decent man to come home to every night. Which led me to think about all the bad dates I had been on: There was Paul who told me he was into strippers; Alan who had a girlfriend but continued to date behind her back; Jerry who promised me shopping trips and said he wanted to marry me only to duck out after three weeks. For this, I thought the dating scene was equivalent to meaningless conversations with random strangers that would never amount to anything.
Tired of playboys and meaningless relationships, I decided to write down all my dating don’ts. Will not date anyone with these issues:
Intimacy Commitment Thinks their time is more important than yours Lives beyond means Refuses to compromise Talks only about themselves They give only to receive Doesn’t go down on you Have nothing to offer Liar, cheater, and narcissist.
My point is, dating can be fun as long as you don’t lose yourself in it. I try to keep myself open to finding love but will not prioritize the needs, whims, or life choices of others at my own expense. Until then, I’m still learning to be the best version of myself and will let life handle the rest. Who’s going to give love another chance? Maybe you?